AHO                       The pitfalls in naming a child                                                           Approx Jan 2007

Most parents choose reasonable names for their children.  A few exhibitionist choose outrageous names that the child has to bear for the rest of their life.  France, I am told used to require parents to choose a name from an official list.  Perhaps that is why there are so many people called 'Jean Paul'.   Exceptions were granted where a person could show that a non-standard name was reasonable due to the person's ethnic origin et cetera.  I am also told that Sweden has a similar requirement today  I am whole-heartedly if favour, and I believe we Brits should enact such a law as we occasionally hear of absurd names being given to children.

But there are other pitfalls that parents seldom consider.  In my own case my first wife (long rest her soul) and I failed to consider.  It doesn't really matter, but we named our three daughters in alphabetical order without any though of what we were doing.  A for Alison, B for Barbara, and C for Claire, in that order.   To compound things, Claire is Claire Doreen and I am Colin Douglas.  It wasn't noticed until Claire had her first letter and no title was appended to the initials on the envelope.  Of course, I opened it.  It wasn't private but it could have been.   With Alison there is another mix-up.  Jeanne (my wife) did the admin work of running around.  Alison's birth certificate and her baptism certificate disagree; one is 'Alison Margaret' and the other is Margaret Alison'.

I am a strong believer that every child should have at least two forenames, although our Barbara only has one; this allows the child to choose which name they prefer.  It is, of course, legal in Britain for a person to be known by any forename that they choose.  But surnames may only be changed by legal procedure known as "Deed Poll".

My grandson by my second daughter is named Thomas.  The parents initially chose James but realised that as the surname was Savill, one Jimmy Savill was enough.  I am not certain of the spelling of the better-known celebrity, but the pronunciation is the same.

I am dead against naming children using diminutives.  I think somebody at the palace should have his butt thoroughly kicked.  To me "Prince Harry" is an unacceptable name.  "Harold" is the  proper name.  Our local doctor sports a nameplate that says he is "Nick Silcott".  "Nick has two meanings in my vocabulary, and both are derogatory.  It is a slang word for "to steal" and it is an abbreviation for "Old Nick" (the Devil).  But as I say, there is no legal requirement for a person to live with an outrageous first name.

I worked with a chap whose name was 'Robert Sole'.  His parents obviously failed to think things through.  You can imagine the purgatory that the lad must have gone through during his schooldays.  Schoolboys and girls are not slow at putting two and two together, particularly if they are given a hint such as the teacher reading out the role:
"B Smith", J Jones, L Prescot, Robert Sole" et cetera.  I leave it to the reader to work it out!

I was recently told of another (true)  unfortunate pair of names.  Mr David Dover married a girl whose first name was 'Eileen'.  She, of course became 'Eileen Dover'.  Not obscene, but certainly a cause for a smile.  I did hear of a case on the radio where a girl had a pair of names that in combination were an utter farce.  I wish I could remember the two names.  At university, the girl managed to keep her first name a secret, but at the graduation ceremony the speaker read her monica out in full.  The whole hall erupted into raucous laughter; poor lass, it must have been so embarrassing.

I am Colin Douglas Campbell.   As a kid I was always away from school with one ailment or another.  I collected the title Seedy C.  I sometimes use it as a screen name.

But there are plenty of opportunities for initial to make up scandalous descriptions.  Margaret Thatcher  could never be accused of being MT (empty).  Dennis Thatcher may have gained the reputation of being a bit of a tippler by his initials being put in the plural .  The list is endless, and parents should examine the possibilities before deciding on a name for their child.

I was told recently of a Swedish immigrant who wanted to be registered with his name containing three numerals.  He was always known to his friends as a name that contained three numerals.  He was unlucky, I was told.

If any reader has a story that fits into the theme of this essay, I would like to add it to this missive.  You have my email address on page one.